My Story
I recently (read: several months ago) started using N-N-DMT. I remember the hype around Ayahuasca several years ago, and I ignored it at the time. It was something that I just dismissed and thought it was ... overhyped. Fixing deep rooted mental health issues by sitting around the fire in Latin America with a Shaman and a drink? It sounded like a bit of BS to skeptical me. But then I watched a docu-series on Netflix: Sue Perkins - Perfectly Legal.
Sue Perkins tried San Pedro in that series. After it, she talked about her healing from using it which got me curious.
The great thing about science is there is always studies happening of various sizes. There is always new research papers being written and people doing new experiments. The great thing about the internet is access to information, and in places, being a historical archive. I can learn about any topic I want to. Even if a site gets taken down, it still exists in some form in the web archive too.
So here I was, with a curiousity of how I could fix my brain. There’s a lot going on in there... and not all of it was good! Growing up in the community I’m from while being neurodivergent, and being the type of person who asks a lot of questions, childhood did not go well for me. I was different to everyone else and wanted to learn instead of going along with the norm. But I also had ADHD and couldn’t focus in a way that organised religion requires you to. I live in a very chaotic way. Regime does not work. But growing up like that leaves its mark, from being shunned to outright questioning what kind of person I am because I’m not like the other people in my community. Hell to take it a step further, I wasn’t like other people in my community. I dressed different. I listened to different music. I thought different. I didn’t fit in with any particular group. Combine that with being quite sheltered and raised to fear the world rather than understand it... yeah there was a lot of issues. Some got fixed by therapy, but sometimes therapy isn’t enough.
From around 2020 onwards, I found my ADHD was getting worse when I had to start working from home. While working in an office, my ADHD was naturally kept in check because of body doubling. But when that wasn’t around, it lead me to discover I actually had ADHD. From 2020 to 2023, it progressively got worse. In late 2023, I got approved to trial some ADHD medication - Xaggitin XL, and Lisdexamfetamine. Long story short, neither of those drugs worked well with me. There was some improvement on the ADHD, but the side effects were nasty. And in that time, other issues got worse or were born.
One thing I learned during this time is one mental health issue can easily affect and make another worse. When you’re dealing with insomnia, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation, and ADHD - when you have that much chaos in your brain, of course your ADHD will be worse.
I was struggling overall, and after being screwed over by side effects from ADHD medication, I was willing to try anything that wouldn’t have long term side effects. Now back to when I saw Sue Perkins take San Pedro... I started reading about DMT. Specifically, N-N-DMT and its efficacy when treating C-PTSD, and depression.
After a lot of medical journal reading (there has been an insane amount of research done into DMT, and how it can help heal mental health conditions - yet its still illegal!), I decided N-N-DMT would be my medicine of choice.
I have a friend who I owe a lot to who was a great help in both acquiring and teaching me how to use N-N-DMT. I decided to go for 510 cartridges as it was easier in a vape to control dosage more suited for beginner use. I setup my first trip’s music (moonlight shadow, and then tubular bells) and went in during a lunch break. I took three good sized inhales and shut my eyes.
I saw... nothing really. It was mostly dark. Just me in a cave. That was it. Nothing. But I felt in that moment a sudden wave of happiness. And when I sobered up after it, I realised after it that my depression was gone. My anxiety was gone. I didn’t think about suicide anymore, and I started to sleep well again. That one small trip did more for me than a combined 22 months of therapy, and medication. Things only got better from there to where I experienced more intense and visual trips, each time my brain healing itself some more.
My thoughts on how we treat mental health
The TL:DR? We treat it badly.
It took 15 years of me suffering with issues to find a cure that worked permanently and instantly. Yet the research into this is many years old (take a look at erowid). So why do we treat mental health so poorly?
I spent years between the NHS and private therapists where their idea of a treatment was to essentially “lie” to myself. A fake it till you make it approach (where, if you’re quite skeptical to begin with, this would never work. You want a treatment that you can actually believe rather than lying to yourself). I had a doctor who only had to send me a single form to complete so that I could be referred for ADHD testing refusing to do so. The nurse at the surgery picking my case up instead and sent it to me.
N-N-DMT is a class A drug. By the definition of the law, that means it’s the considered one of the most dangerous and addictive substances which can carry up to 7 years in prison for just being in possession of it. A drug that has shown itself to be one of the best treatments for PTSD and C-PTSD whilst not having long term negative side effects (source).
Now I’ve experienced a few drugs and I can say one thing with certainty: alcohol has fucked me up far more than a breakthrough dose of DMT ever will. I’ve seen so many people get addicted to alcohol and tobacco (both of which are legal) which permanently damaged them. But on the other hand, I’ve seen people use DMT to help treat their alcoholism permanently.
KCL is currently running a study on curing alcoholism withthe use of 5-Meo-DMT.
So why is it like this? Why are certain drugs classified the way they are? Why do so many people believe the laws and follow it blindly? Why are people so scared of researching drugs? Why do people dismiss it so quickly? Why are people so closed minded? Why do we give people a pass when they self medicate with alcohol (oh they’re just having a good time! its Friday night!) but we look down on people who would take shrooms or LSD or any other psychedelic? Which person is actually trying to heal?
Short answer? No idea. Longer answer? I really don’t know.